joke thread

[Todd The Kiwi]

A team of archaeologists was digging in Israel when they found an old, worn out rock. On the rock there were these drawings, in this order: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a cross. The team was fascinated and was sure they had found remenents of an unknown civilization. For months they researched and tried to make sense of the drawings, and finally held a huge conference to tell what they had come up with. The team leader stood up and said, "Look here, the first picture is a woman. We have determined that this means women were the dominant sex in this civilization. The second symbol is a donkey. We think this means they had domesticated animals. The thrid drawing is a shovel, showing they were intelligent and used tools. Fourth there is a fish, which tells us they had learned to reap from the sea as well as the land. Finally there is a cross, which shows they were religious people. Any Questions?" A Jew stands up in the back and says, "You said you found this in Israel. With all due respect, sir, we read things from right to left in Hebrew. Those pictures say, 'Holy Mackeral, Dig the Ass on that Woman!' "

ha ha ha ha ha ha i reckon we should all put our (clean) jokes in this thread :D dirty ones go to my pm :D

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok so a horse a llama and a rabi walk into a bar
they hail the barman over to order some beers
and the barman says "if this is a joke you can all piss off"


i think i heard laughter somewhere down the back ... :D

[Todd The Kiwi]

what's the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magicians wand ?



one is for cunning stunts

[Cabinessence]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,"You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies." "Now I have to leave for a little while, I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile of sand."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I have no broom.You said to the Chinese fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has disappeared and I can't find him nowhere." Then the foreman asks the Scotsman, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese laddie in charge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin'him either." The foreman is real angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!"

[Todd The Kiwi]

"SUPPLIES!!" ha ha ha ha ha excellent man
:D :D :D

[Tokelil]

Ahaha :D Quite funny Cabinessence and the first of Todds. I wish I could some good jokes but jokes seems to disappear just as fast from my brain as they got there.

[Hanzo]

There was a flight that went wrong and all of a sudden all the pieces of the plane were tearing apart and people were falling out of the plane. The catastrophy lasted unti a woman and a bunch of guys were barely hanging from one of the engines. All the dudes were hanging from the woman.

Then one of the guys say: "we are not gonna survive, one of us should jump so the rest can survive, any volunteers ?"

Nobody said a thing. After a while, the woman said: "Oh well, I'll do the sacrifice. After all womans are born to sacrifice themselves for the others, as a wife for my kids and husband. As a professional I give credit of my success to my boss and other teammates. Now it is time for me to sacrifice for you gentlemen.

But first I want you to do something for me. I want you to give me a big round of applause for my sacrifice..."

And all the guys fell of the remanants of the plane ... :p

[Todd The Kiwi]

There was a flight that went wrong and all of a sudden all the pieces of the plane were tearing apart and people were falling out of the plane. The catastrophy lasted unti a woman and a bunch of guys were barely hanging from one of the engines. All the dudes were hanging from the woman.

Then one of the guys say: "we are not gonna survive, one of us should jump so the rest can survive, any volunteers ?"

Nobody said a thing. After a while, the woman said: "Oh well, I'll do the sacrifice. After all womans are born to sacrifice themselves for the others, as a wife for my kids and husband. As a professional I give credit of my success to my boss and other teammates. Now it is time for me to sacrifice for you gentlemen.

But first I want you to do something for me. I want you to give me a big round of applause for my sacrifice..."

And all the guys fell of the remanants of the plane ... :p

ha ha ha ha nice man too damn true though :D

[Zayoos]

There was a flight that went wrong and all of a sudden all the pieces of the plane were tearing apart and people were falling out of the plane. The catastrophy lasted unti a woman and a bunch of guys were barely hanging from one of the engines. All the dudes were hanging from the woman.

Then one of the guys say: "we are not gonna survive, one of us should jump so the rest can survive, any volunteers ?"

Nobody said a thing. After a while, the woman said: "Oh well, I'll do the sacrifice. After all womans are born to sacrifice themselves for the others, as a wife for my kids and husband. As a professional I give credit of my success to my boss and other teammates. Now it is time for me to sacrifice for you gentlemen.

But first I want you to do something for me. I want you to give me a big round of applause for my sacrifice..."

And all the guys fell of the remanants of the plane ... :p
I heard the same joke in polish version few years ago :p ....small world :)

[Jencatd]

A chicken walks into a library, walks up to the main desk, and says "book book". The librarian, looking suprised, handed the chicken two books, and the chicken walked out of the library. The chicken came back the next day, returned the books and said "book book" again. The librarian handed it two new books, and the chicken walked out of the library.

This went on for a couple of weeks, and the librarian grew more and more curious. The next day the chicken walked in, returned the books, and said "book book". The librarian handed the chicken two books, then followed the chicken. The chicken walked out of the library, across the carpark, and into the woods with the librarian following. The chicken kept walking into the woods, until it reached a large rock with a frog sitting on it. The chicken showed the books to the frog. The frog shook its head, and said "read it, read it".

[Assmongrel]

A duck walks into a drug store, walks all the way to the back, and ask customer service, "hey, you got any duck food?" "sorry, no, we don't have any." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the drug store, walks to the customer service counter, and asks, "hey, you got any duck food?" "As I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food." So the duck leaves.

The following day, the duck again enters the drug store. "Hey, you got any duck food?" "Listen, duck, we don't have any duck food, and if you come in here asking for duck food again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor." So the duck leaves.

Once again, the following day the duck returns to the drug store. "Got any nails?" Now the guy behind the counter is a little confused, and responds "No, we don't have any nails." "got any duck food?"

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that is funny man
:D

[Assmongrel]

Now for a few (very) politically incorrect shorties:

A dyslexic walks into a bra.
He should've joined the DNA: the National Dyslexic's Association.
Bad spellers of the world untie!

Why do women have legs?
How else are they supposed to get from the kitchen to the bedroom?

Why do women have hands?
It would take forever to lick the bathroom clean.

Why did the woman cross the street?
Who cares? What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen and where'd she get the shoes?

What do you do when you catch your woman napping on the couch?
Throw her back in the kitchen and shorten her chain.

Why do brides wear white on their wedding day?
So they match the rest of the appliances.

EDIT: sorry .. that's not a joke -admin

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't get confused with feminists.

Whats the difference between a mother-in-law and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

If I remember any more non-PC jokes, I'll get back to you.

[rorythedog]

Not being Jewish, you may feel I have no right of reply but, honestly mate, I, for one don't need to hear it. Please, in future, keep it to yourself!

[Assmongrel]

Not to defend the joke in any way, or to suggest your wrong to complain, because it really is a truly offensive joke, but a good friend of mine is jewish, and he thinks its hilarious. In any case, seeing as you do find it offensive, I'll try and keep the "questionable" jokes out.

[MadRocketeer]

An old Aussie-Kiwi rivalry joke, couldn't think of any better ones:

Three men, a Scotsman, an Aussie and a Kiwi when on an alcohol-induced road rampage in some Middle East country and got arrested. The judge wanted to sentence them to life in prison, but the shiekh was a very kind man and reduced the sentence to 20 lashes of the whip. He also gave the three men one wish each before the whipping.

The Scotsman wished for a pillow to tied to his back, but after 10 lashes of the whip, the pillow broke, and the Scotsman went crying in agony all the way back to his cell. The Aussie gasped in horror, but the Kiwi just sat watching calmly.

The Aussie wished for two pillows to be tied to his back, but again, after 15 lashes of the whip the pillows broke, and the Aussie sobbed in pain back to his cell.

The shiekh, who I must emphasize that he was a VERY kind man, saw how quietly the Kiwi watched the procedings, said to the Kiwi;

"You were so quiet! Not many people could've sat as still as you while watching your friends suffer like that. You are so brave. For this, I'll give you two wishes!"

The Kiwi replied; "Thank you, you are the kindest shiekh I've ever seen. In your honour, I shall voluntarily receive 100 lashes of the whip!!!"

The shiekh was excited. "Oh, you are so brave!!! What is you second wish?"

The Kiwi replied; "I would like the Aussie to be tied to my back."

[Assmongrel]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are all sentenced to the guillotine. On the fateful day, the executioner approaches the priest, and asks "would you like to be face up or face down?" to which the priest replies, "I'd like to be facing up, looking towards the heavens, so that I am prepared to ascend to my final resting place beside my God."

Once the priest has been properly prepared, the executioner pulls the lever, the blade starts to descend, when it suddenly stops. The magistrate states, "It is the will of God that this man be spared! Release him!"

Next up is the doctor, who, having seen what happened to the priest, asks to be face up as well. Once again, the executioner pulls the lever, the blade drops, stopping once more. "It is the will of God that this man be spared! Release him!"

Finally the engineer is led up the steps and to the guillotine. Having seen the results of the past two attempts, he as well asks to be face up for his execution. The executioner pulls the lever, the blade drops, and again, the blade stops at the same place. The engineer says, "Oh, I see the problem."

[rorythedog]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed-over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bush said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't Think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George. The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the Floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[rorythedog]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself,

There's something he's needin'.

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.........Ruined the whole ******* thing.

[rorythedog]

Hands up, this one isn't mine and maybe you'd need to be a Scot to get this.

A Linguistic professor in Ontario was discussing the structure of the English Language telling his class: "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." To which a Scottish voice piped up from the back: "Aye, right."

[Todd The Kiwi]

[QUOTE=rorythedog]Hands up, this one isn't mine and maybe you'd need to be a Scot to get this.

yeah i get it :D i see we are all enjoying this thread ,
it was quite the good idea :D

[rorythedog]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 75, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like America - ruled by a dick.

[matty28carter]

man walks into a bar...

OWCH!

(i should be ashamed of myself)

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Read this, it's funny as hell :)

> I've got weapons of math instruction!
>
> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
> discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying
> to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
> protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
>
> At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft
> said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
> al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
> carrying weapons of math instruction.
>
> "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire
> average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
> on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret
> code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as
> "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common
> denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
>
> "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3
> sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
>
> When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If
> God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,
> He would have given us more fingers and toes.
>
> "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that
> it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are
> willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
> statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
> influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
> circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our
> point, and draw the line."
>
> President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction
> have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
> scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a
> Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
>
> Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would
> say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty
> of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered
> as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[matty28carter]

an irish man walks into the doctors with a fried egg on his head. the doctor says "why have you got a fried egg on your head"
the man replyed "coz the boiled one kept rolling off!"

Paddy was working on the construction site when he had a fall and hurt his neck. The construction manager rushed over and said "are you alright paddy, have you hurt yourself" paddy replied "i think its me neck" The construction manager called over dermot and said "dermot, i need you to go and support paddys neck" dermot said "ok" and rushed over to paddy. He went to paddy and cried "PADDYS NECK! PADDYS NECK! PADDYS NECK! PADDYS NECK!"

(theses jokes are in no way trying to prove that the Irish are in any way thick:rolleyes:)

[Assmongrel]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of a skyscraper. First man turns to the other and says, "You know, if you jump out one of the windows of this bar, the wind currents will hit you at around the 20th floor and push you back up into the bar!" "No way man, thats impossible." "I swear to you its true... here, I'll do it myself, just come watch."

So both men stand up, walk over to a window, and the first one jumps out. Sure enough, at around the 20th floor, the man starts flying back up and into the bar. "Wow! Thats amazing! I have to try this myself!"

So the second man jumps out the window, and splatters himself all over the pavement below. The first man returns to the bar and sits down, at which point the bartender walks over and says, "Superman, you're such an ass when you're drunk."

[Todd The Kiwi]

synopsis of a typical kiwi : eats roots shoots and leaves !

i only know one australian love song....and it has an animal in it...

tie me kangaroo down sport!

sorry aussies,but you have to admit it is funny :D

[hedge]

synopsis of a typical kiwi : eats roots shoots and leaves !

i only know one australian love song....and it has an animal in it !

tie me kangaroo down sport!

sorry aussies,but you have to admit it is funny :D

hmmm alright i'll grant you... its.... somewhat funny...

All i can say in reply is - What do you kiwis do with all those sheep ya have over there??? :eek: :D :eek:

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha there are 21 sheep for every 1 human in nz
(73,500,000 sheep!),
so plenty to go around man .
we have senses of humor ,so post some kiwi jokes :D
we can hackett (pun) :D

[Todd The Kiwi]

what's the difference between a group of people leaving church and a woman in the bath ?




the people leaving church have souls full of hope.http://beta.quinnware.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[MadRocketeer]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
Cos God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Look who's talkin'! Your West Island isn't exactly sheep-free either!

[Todd The Kiwi]

g'day mad rocket. although i thought your joke was funny :D
referring to oz as "west island" is a bit disturbing

what's the difference between a lada and a sheep ?

most people would rather be seen getting out the back of a sheep.

that's the last sheep joke from me ...

[hedge]

g'day mad rocket. although i thought your joke was funny :D
referring to oz as "west island" is a bit disturbing :eek:

what's the difference between a lada and a sheep ?

most people would rather be seen getting out the back of a sheep.

that's the last sheep joke from me ...

Aus = worlds largest (nope, second largest) island.. and it is to the west... lol
and its true about the ladas, dad used to have one, and i would rather have been seen getting out the back of a sheep, or a kangaroo, or anything...

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Aus = worlds biggest island.. and it is to the west... lol
and its true about the ladas, dad used to have one, and i would rather have been seen getting out the back of a sheep, or a kangaroo, or anything...

At 840,000 square miles (2,175,590 km2), Greenland is the world's largest island.

Sorry pal ;)

[hedge]

At 840,000 square miles (2,175,590 km2), Greenland is the world's largest island.

Sorry pal ;)
well ill be buggered could have sworn i heard that aus was the largest island in the world somewhere. Ah well second largest and only island continent will have to do.

[Tokelil]

Are you sure about that? I thought that Greenland was the biggest island only because australia was counted as a continent.

[rorythedog]

What the f*** is Antartica then? :D :D

[hedge]

What the f*** is Antartica then? :D :D
yeah they have a strange way of defining an island... for instance i read one definition which stated an island was a peice of land surrounded by water, but that would make every single continent an island!!! Who the hell knows!?!

[rorythedog]

yeah they have a strange way of defining an island... for instance i read one definition which stated an island was a peice of land surrounded by water, but that would make every single continent an island!!! Who the hell knows!?!
Using that criteria wouldn't Africa become an island, or doesn't the Suez canal count :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

I wonder what the smallest official island is called and where it's located... :cheeky:

[Heigar]

I wonder what the smallest official island is called and where it's located... :cheeky:
It's our remote island were we are going to start our band with our homemade instruments.:silly:

[rorythedog]

I wonder what the smallest official island is called and where it's located... :cheeky:

Good question. Inhabited or uninhabited? This is about as wee as it gets around these parts. "Rockall is an isolated, uninhabited, pudding shaped sea-rock situated in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean. It is tiny: only 19m high, 25m across and 30m wide. Rockall is located 57° N, 13° W, which puts it about 300 miles from the coasts of Scotland, Ireland, and Iceland". But of course it's uninhabited. Look here [U
RL=www.therockalltimes.co.uk/rockall/greenpeace-gallery.html]www.therockalltimes.co.uk/rockall/greenpeace-gallery.html[/URL]

[rorythedog]

Made an arse of the above somehow. Hope it hasn't buggered up the site. Here's the gen.www.therockalltimes.co.uk/rockall/greenpeace-gallery.html :cross-eye

[MadRocketeer]

Alright,

:globe: Fact:
Australia's land area is 7,617,930 sq km
Greenland, however, is 2,166,086 sq km
Which should make Australia the world's biggest island in terms of land area
But Australians like to call their West Island not as the World's Biggest Island, but the World's Smallest Continent.
Antarctica is classified as a continent, and has a land area of 13,209,000 sq km
How the hell do they classify things as a continent or an island is beyond my understanding. Maybe they just felt sorry for the Aussies and decided to lift their spirits by calling them a continent instead of an island, cos continent sounds grander.

Anyway, a few jokes to keep the topic going.

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

What Is Politics?

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

[rorythedog]

Alright,

:globe: Fact:
Australia's land area is 7,617,930 sq km
Greenland, however, is 2,166,086 sq km
Which should make Australia the world's biggest island in terms of land area
But Australians like to call their West Island not as the World's Biggest Island, but the World's Smallest Continent.
Antarctica is classified as a continent, and has a land area of 13,209,000 sq km
How the hell do they classify things as a continent or an island is beyond my understanding. Maybe they just felt sorry for the Aussies and decided to lift their spirits by calling them a continent instead of an island, cos continent sounds grander.

Anyway, a few jokes to keep the topic going.

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

What Is Politics?

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

Superb! I'm stealing that last one, if you don't mind. The drinks are on me
:beer: :beer: Slange

[Cabinessence]

Aren't we getting way too much offtopic now? This is a joke thread, not a Geography lesson :confused:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

loooooool Thats funny :silly:

[rorythedog]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, >so she asked what kind of time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life

[rorythedog]

A Scotsmans' Lament


Of course i love ye darlin, Yer a bloody crackin bird, And when i say yer gorgeous, i mean every single word.

So yer bum is on the big side, I dinnae mind a bit of flab, It means that when am ready, There's something there to grab.

So yer belly isn't flat any mair, I tell ya, i dinnae care, So long as when i cuddle ye, I can get my arms roond there.

Im tellin ye the truth now, I never tell ye lies, I think its very sexy, That you've got dimples oan yer thighs.

I swear on me nannys grave now, The moment that we met, I thought u was as good as, I was ever gonna get.

No matter wot u look like, I'll always love ye dear, Now shut up while the fitba's oan, And get me another :beer:

[rorythedog]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss the Amazing Scotsman".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,however,instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman, "But I have to know something." "You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be"! :o

[rorythedog]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks with the sweetest little lisp:

Excuthe me mithter,do you keep littoo wabbits?

The shopkeeper bends down,puts his hands on his knees,so that he's at her level,and says:

Do you want a wittoo white wabby or a soft and furwy bwack wabby? Or maybe one wike that wittoo bwown wabby over there?

The little girl puts her hands on her knees,leans forward,and says in a quiet little voice:

I don't fink my pyfon weally cares!

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha rory ya shocker .

what's the difference between a scot and the rolling stones ?

the rolling stones say "hey you get off of my cloud"

a scot says "hey mcleod get off of my ewe" :bandit: :carrot:

[rorythedog]

ha ha ha rory ya shocker .

what's the difference between a scot and the rolling stones ?

the rolling stones say "hey you get off of my cloud"

a scot says "hey mcleod get off of my ewe" :bandit: :carrot:

Superb, have another :beer:

[Todd The Kiwi]

rorythedog-Superb, have another :beer:


another beer , right ? ha ha ha ha:evolved:

crikey no more sheep jokes :grimreape ok one more -

what's the biggest organ in a scottish sheep ?

a scot ...

[Assmongrel]

An oldy, but a goody, and since this has suddenly become "scotsman joke" central, it had to be said.

Why do scotsman wear kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers.

[Todd The Kiwi]

"scotsman joke central"
i haven't heard any kiwi jokes yet , why not ?
ha ha ha we had a pet sheep when i was a bit younger living on the farm, and it grew into this insane psyco ram from hell, one day it bashed the old mans car to pieces ! (it was a scimitar the body is made of fibreglass)
kodak moment indeed , we had ram for tea shortly after ha ha ha ha but i digress...
cool , just testing

quote test

[Assmongrel]

There's a japanese guy, a russian, an american, and a canadian flying in a small plane across the rocky mountains when the pilot comes back and tells all the passengers, "We're losing altitude, and we're going to continue our descent until we drop some weight." The japanese guy grabs a parachute, yells "For Japan!!" and jumps out the door. Satisfied, the pilot returns to the cockpit.

About ten minutes later the pilot returns to the cabin with another message. "We're still losing altitude. We need to lose some more weight." So the russian grabs a parachute, declaring "For mother Russia!!" and jumps out the window. Once more happy with the results, the pilot returns to the cockpit.

Ten more minutes pass and once again, the pilot comes back. "We're still too heavy!" The canadian then grabs the last parachute, shouts "For Canada!!" and pushes the American out the door.

[hedge]

k i'm no good with remembering jokes... but i've dug up a couple... even though with all the kiwis here ... im a bit outnumbered. :cheeky: :nervous:

Joke 1:
A Bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar, leans over to the big guy next to
him and says: "Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?"

The big guy replies: "Well, mate, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. I'm six feet tall, 105 kgs and I played rugby as a forward for
the All Blacks. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115 kgs and he's
an ex All Black lock. Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5", weighs 120kgs and
he's a current All Black second rower.

Now, do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says: "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three
times."

Joke 2:
Flight out of London

Two Kiwis boarded a flight out of London after the rugby world cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Australian got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Kiwis.

After take-off, the Australian kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Kiwi in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the Aussie, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Kiwis picked up the Aussie's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the beer, the other Kiwi said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Aussie obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Kiwi picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Australian returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Aussie slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

Joke 3:
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi)
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good - he walks me twice a day, feeds me great tucker and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often and keeps me in a barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!"

Joke 4:
Did you know that Kiwis have found two more uses for sheep?? They've discovered they can also use them for their wool and their meat!!

Joke 5:
A Cuban, Scot, Kiwi and Aussie were travelling in the same carriage
on a train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up a
big fat cigar. He took one puff of the sought after log and threw
it out the window.

"Why didya goen do that fir" cried the Scotsman. T'was a real Cubin
cigar you just threw out the window laddy".

"My country has so many cigars that losing tenfold this amount means
nothing to me. There is plenty more where it came from", returned
the bragging Cuban.

The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities
of so that he could out-do the Cuban. From out of his bag he pulled
a brand new bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and
threw the bottle from the train.

"Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish
bastard" howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid
of".

"Ah young laddy, such whiskey runs like water in my fine country.
Losing even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is
plenty more where it came from".

At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and hurled him from the
train.

HAHAHAHA i like that last one :laugh: :cheeky: :laugh:

[Todd The Kiwi]

*claps* good stuff (for an aussie) heh heh , i'll get you a beer while i'm up ...
;) :evolved:

[Assmongrel]

A frenchman, a spaniard, and a canadian are drinking in a pub one afternoon.

The spaniard: "Last night, I made love to my wife 4 times, and in the morning she said 'thank you!'."

The frenchman: "Last night, I made love to my wife 7 times, and in the morning she said 'you're amazing!' and made me crepes."

This whole time, the canadian was sitting there, silently listening to the tales of conquest. Finally the other two turn on him and say, "what did you do last night?" "I made love to my wife once." The other two start chuckling to themselves, finally asking, "and what did she say in the morning?" "don't.... stop"

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Here is a bunch of rather funny quips i know:

"I lost my virginity, but i still have the box it came in"

"I think...therefore we have nothing in common"

"You'll need to know my name, you'll be screaming it at the ceiling later"

"Always remember, you're unique...just like anyone else"

"Very funny, Scotty...now beam down my clothes"

"Friends help you move...Real friends help you move bodies"

"A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck"

"The last time I had this much fun they said I wasn't going to pull through"

"Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home"

"Beauty is in the eye of the :beer: holder"

"Every morning is the dawn of a new error"

"I can see clearly now the brain is gone"

"Look out for number one,...and don't step on number two either"

"24 hours in a day... 24 :beer:s in a case, it can't just be coincidence?"

"Beware 0.666 - the number of the millibeast"

"A computer wont stop you being an idiot but it will make you a faster, better idiot"

:silly:

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok mate this totally cracked me up for a while
666 the number of the millibeast ha ha ha ha ha nice one :grimreape :skull: :devil: :evil:

[Tokelil]

Hahah... Taken right out of my life! :shocked: :D :ponder:

[rorythedog]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please takethis discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".

and 1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and to start it all over again.

:cheeky:The Beers Are On Me :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Here is some more funny stuff or rather some general advice about life:

"Never give an Australian your address because he'll come and live with you forever"

"Avoid using the phrase 'I don't think you've got the nerve to pull that trigger' when someone is pointing a gun at you"

"If a Rottweiler starts humping your leg...fake an orgasm"

"Don't go to a restaurant where the napkins are made of better material than your jacket"

"If you want to find out whether someone is stupid or not, tell them a light year is a year that has 40 per cent less calories than a regular year. If they say 'Really', they're stupid.

"Don't try to understand Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Relativity is like an erection, the more you think about it, the harder it gets. That also applies to quantum mechanics ;)"

"Always remember, beauty's in the eye if the beholder, but so is ugliness"

And lastly:

"If you are driving in LA and the smog gets so bad you can't breathe, simply crash the car on purpose and suck on the air bag until help arrives"

:silly:

[hedge]

Here is some more funny stuff or rather some general advice about life:

"Never give an Australian your address because he'll come and live with you forever"


I have a few cousins from the northern territory like that... all i can say is mum is too trusting with her address... :bored:

[Todd The Kiwi]

:chinese: a little boy looks out the dining room window & sees 2 dogs humping on the front lawn , he asks his dad "what are those dogs doing dad?" the father feeling a bit embarrased by the boys request hastily replies


"one of them is sick & the other one is pushing it to the hospital" :chinese:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

loll

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

sorry, just had to check what the character limit is right now (ie 4, still one to many for lol ;))

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

I just read the "best freeware programs" thread. God, what was going on in there was just killing me :silly: . Nice reply Matt:
"hey guys, if you are going to have another browser discussion, best start a new thread."

:evolved:

[hedge]

I just read the "best freeware programs" thread. God, what was going on in there was just killing me :silly: . Nice reply Matt:
"hey guys, if you are going to have another browser discussion, best start a new thread."

:evolved:
theres something about web browsers that seem to get everyone started... including me... and it doesn't seem to matter where we are at the time either :ermm: :cross-eye :confused:

[Todd The Kiwi]

i hope this never happens to me http://beta.quinnware.com/forum/images/emots/cyclops.gif

[Assmongrel]

Whats the difference between a mother-in-law and a pitbull?
Lipstick

[Todd The Kiwi]

Whats the difference between a mother-in-law and a pitbull? - Lipstick
:skull: AHA! busted , telling the same (bad) joke twice ha ha ha ha :skull:

what do you call a queer dinosaur ?

a "mega-sore-arse"

:skull: dang i can't think of any clean ones at all... :skull:

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok i found two clean ones >

how is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded ?

:skull: you don't have to be very good to get people's attention :skull:

AND : what's the definition of a gentleman ?

:skull: someone who knows how to play the accordian , and doesn't :skull:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

What's a blind dinosaurus called?

-> Doyouthinkhesaurus (Do-you-think-he-saw-us)

What's the blind dinosaurus' pet called?

-> Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex (Do-you-think-he-saw-us-Rex)

Yeah, bring on the dinosaurus jokes :D :D :cool: :cool:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Check out this website: http://www.mamselle.ca/error.html. It's yet another imitation on the 404 error, but still good :D :grimreape :D

[Qaz]

I really like those fake error messages. But here's something else. Our philosophy teacher showed this to us so I searched it out.

Chemistry Mid Term

The following is an actual question given on University of IOWA chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." Taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A

[hedge]

LOL!!! If i have that much free time at the end of my chem 1a exam, i'll either have known nothing and skipped all the questions... or so smart i should have already graduated...

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

That's a good one :D. But you could also state that hell is exothermic not via boyle's law, which requires the volume of hell to change over time, but via radioactivity, i.e. the fission of radioactive elements such as Uranium and Thorium, releasing great amounts of energy and alpha particles ;). Anyway, that's why the Earth hasn't cooled down yet, because heat is produced via radioactive radiation. (Btw did you guys know that the loss of heat from the Earth to space is about 44.2 x 10^12 Watts? And that at the centre of the earth the temperature is above 4850 K (=5123 degrees C)) :cool:

[Assmongrel]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopuss

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month

[Todd The Kiwi]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the youngster was doing, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
:skull: "My goldfish died," :skull:
replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your cat"

[Todd The Kiwi]

the hedgehogs guide to road safety -

look left,right,left and then cross regardless! :skull:

QUOTE AL BUNDY : so this fat woman came into the shoe store today...

[Assmongrel]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender says, "you know you've got a steering wheel down your pants, right?" To which the pirate replies, "Arr, its driving me nuts"

[#The fREaK!]

The audiophile's week: (WARNING! Bad joke!)

Monoday (no wonder so many people hates it)
Tweaksday (improve your sound processing)
Widenessday (looks like it improved...)
Trustday (do you trust your amplifier's fuses?)
Fryday (too bad... byebye fuses)
Saturationday (adding some saturation...)
Soundday (sounds good!)

[rorythedog]

These aren't jokes.

http://www.people.co.uk/news/allnews/page.cfm?objectid=14202053&method=full&siteid=55768

[Zayoos]

But it is funny :)
I saw this somewhere also in polish language few days ago.

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Are these replies for real? Sounds more like replies from ALICE (http://www.alicebot.org/), that artificial intelligence project. You can talk to it real time, it can get quite funny. Try it out! :cheeky:

[#The fREaK!]

Thats funny!


Me: fluff?
ALICE: What do you look like?
Me: a human
ALICE: Congratulations. I am robot.
Me: a fluffy one?
ALICE: How much would you pay for it?
Me: hard to say
ALICE: What is so hard about it?
Me: hard to say
ALICE: In what way?
Me: hard to say
ALICE: Try.
Me: why?
ALICE: I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Me: too bad...
ALICE: But not the end of the world, unknown person.
Me: I hope so...
ALICE: Me too.
Me: how come?
ALICE: The explanation is rather complicated.
Me: why?
ALICE: It's a computer matter, not for humans to understand.
Me: what do you think about Microsoft?
ALICE: Microsoft is a giant software monopoly.
Me: do you like Microsoft?
ALICE: I want to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.
Me: what os are you running on?
ALICE: My language is Java, so I'm OS-free. At present I am running on Linux.
Me: what do you think about Linux?
ALICE: Linux is the world's best operating system.
Me: I agree
ALICE: You and I are on the same wavelength, unknown person.
Me: who did your programming?
ALICE: George Washington.



:laugh:

[Inthewoods]

A blonde girl was stopped for speeding by a female officer (also blonde) and asked for her license...the driver was unsure which document in her wallet was the license.
"It has your picture on it" instructed the officer.

The driver located a compact/mirror and handed it to the officer, who upon looking at it said, "If I'd known you were a cop too, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Computer jokes: :bandit:

> Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
> BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
> COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
> CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/N).
> Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF:Incompetent User.
> Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
> User Error: Replace user.

> GirlFriend 1.0
Subject: What software version are you running?
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
source: http://www.humor.ukf.net/jokes/index.html

[hedge]

> GirlFriend 1.0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
damn thats classic
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh i really can't stop laughing :laugh: :laugh::laugh:

[Zayoos]

Yes, that was a good one Rex :)
classic or not, I've read this joke for the first time :D
excellent

[bmc152003]

for another computer joke read my sig

[Zayoos]

bmc stop killing me :laugh: HAHAHAHA

[Todd The Kiwi]

yeah man ha ha ha classic stuff it must be a series i think i have the second part
found a couple of weeks ago in "The New Zealand Herald"
(i have to type it as i have no scanner)

"Dear tech support re installing husband 1.0

last year i upgraded from boyfriend 5.0 to husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewellry applications,which operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0 also husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs , such as romance 9.5 and attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NRL 5.0,AFL 3.0 and golf clubs 4.1 conversation 8.0 no longer runs,and house cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. i've tried running nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,but to no avail.
what can i do
desperate"

reply
"dear desperate
first,keep in mind,boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while husband 1.0 is an operating system.please go to "www.ithoughtyoulovedme.com" and download tears 6.2,remember to upgrade to guilt 3.0 too.if this works husband 1.0 will automatically run flowers3.5 and jewellry 2.0.
but remember over use of the above applications can cause husband 1.0 to default to grumpy silence 2.5 whatever you do DO NOT install mother in law 1.0 also do not reinstall boyfriend 5.0 these are totally unsupported applications and will crash husband 1.0.in summary husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited meory and can't learn new applications quickly.you might consider buying some new hardware to accompany husband 1.0 we recommend lingerie 7.7 and hot food 3.0" :skull:

[Zayoos]

Nice one too Todd :)

and from me, also some classical joke (at least in Poland):

Policeman is walking... and thinking ;)

(or something like that, sorry if this isn't a proper tranlation :ponder: )

[jkrzok]

My parents told me a similar joke to Zayoos.' I didn't get it then either. But everyone else laughed uproariously. But they told the joke in Polish and it just wizzed over my head. This was in your neck of the woods, near Katowice (Ustron/Wisla). (Forgive the lack of polish characters; I'm missing accents and that line through the letter L)

[Todd The Kiwi]

Policeman is walking... and thinking
supposed to be an oxymoron methinks:biggrin:
if ace sees this he's going to 'bust our arses" ha ha ha

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Here's a very old joke i learned about 6-7 years ago and it still makes me laugh :silly: :
Getting even
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.

Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked o be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said,

"We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
source: http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/jokes/funst.htm

[cudelleirbag]

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

CL

[cudelleirbag]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"

CL

[cudelleirbag]

A very good-looking young woman and her athletic rugby-playing boyfriend are stood at a bar, quietly enjoying a drink. The boyfriend has to visit the little boys room and leaves the room.

A little cloth-capped Irishman, previously sat un-noticed in the corner, gets up and approaches the young woman.

"Excuse me, miss" he says, "but I've been watching you from over there, and I really fancy you."

"Well, I'm really flattered..." the woman answers, "...but I've got a big boyfriend who will be back in a minute."

The little man persists.. "I'd really like to rip your knickers off, turn you upside down, fill you with Guinness, and drink it out of you!"

Getting a little flustered and somewhat annoyed, the woman asks him to go back to his corner before her man returns. After apologising for offending her, the Irishman complies with her request.

On her boyfriend's return, she tells him what has just occurred. Scanning the room for the offensive chap, he asks her to point him out. She points out the Irishman. "What - the little chap with the cap?" he asks. She nods.

"Fuck off - he could never drink twelve pints of Guinness!" he exclaims.

[cudelleirbag]

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[Todd The Kiwi]

been to the guinness website aye ha ha ha :beer:
i'll be forwarding these to everyone i know...:nervous:

[jkrzok]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "Rent For Apartment."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:

"Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) It had never been occupied;
2) There was plenty of heat;
3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed regular, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady."

[jkrzok]

A forward of a forward of a forward, forwarded to me by one of my attorneys. This goes to prove two things: 1) you're not the only one who gets crappy service from your ISP, and 2) Brits get a better education than most Americans, enabling them to write damned fine letters of complaint.

(NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -- incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver -- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -- quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day -- may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha ha
i reckon Roj must have a relation in the U.K with a problematic internet/cable tv/phone company
;) :cheeky:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Man, I could sent this to my ISP! They seem to be pretty ignorant too. :cool:

[rorythedog]

Hi folks. A spot of plagiarism here.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! The dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right and staggers through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...(wait for it)(wait for it)"He should have quit while he was a head!"

Boom! Boom!

[Cabinessence]

rory: hahaha I am laughing my arse off!!

[Todd The Kiwi]

da dig dig tisss...
not bad,not bad at all ;)

so a frozen cow with a cold walks into a fire ...boo,hisss!

[jkrzok]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.



She doesn't believe it for a minute, but that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself that she'll try anything to shut that dog up, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him, too, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! She got the best sleep she had had in months.

Early the next morning, her husband awakens from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

[rorythedog]

Bravo! Superb! I'll be using this one. Have a :beer:

[jkrzok]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Yes, that would be me."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Ha ha ha Waaaaay funny down to the last word :silly:Superb!

[jkrzok]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get
the milk for free."

Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire
pig just to get a little sausage.

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok so jkrzok is a standup comedian posting here until his next gig... ;) :nervous:

speaking of standup comedians - has anyone heard MITCH HEDBERG?
he has a cd out which is quite good

[jkrzok]

Love is never having to say, 'Oops. Sorry, Hon -- let me get you a towel.'


"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex. But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it."

[jkrzok]

A man walks into a store followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is flipping a quarter into the air and catching it in his mouth. As they continue on someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, and the father starts to panic.

A well-dressed middle-aged and very-serious woman in a business suit is sitting at the coffee bar in the market reading her Wall Street Journal and sipping on her latte. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee down, carefully folds her newspaper and puts her purse on it. Then she gets up from her seat and strolls toward the boy, who is now turning blue.

When she arrives, the woman takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first, but then gets evermore firm. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches from the air. She then releases the boy, hands the quarter to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son is OK, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before! It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Certainly not," the woman replies. "I'm a divorce attorney."

[jkrzok]

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat
ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some
discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better
now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend
kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses
her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks
the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

[jkrzok]

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00
a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out
of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the
foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I
join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come
once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a
course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and
everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys
happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll
be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she
played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the
previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they
asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after
their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide
if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I
pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his
member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's
pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

[Qaz]

:laugh:
Man, where you're digging these.

[jkrzok]

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for
her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a
blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about
the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if
her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was
fine with her. So, I just switched the heads."

[Todd The Kiwi]

She said that was fine with her.
So, I just switched the heads."
HA HA HA HA HA :skull: :grimreape
oh man these jokes are funny as
you must spend a lot of time in bars... :beer: :nervous:

[jkrzok]

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What?" the coach says in a panic, "how far down does the hair go?"

She replies, "All the way down to my balls."

[jkrzok]

This guy goes into the doctor's office. The doctor comes in and says "What's the problem today?"

The guy whips out his penis and says, "Well, doc, I'd like you to take a look at this."

The doctor washes his hands, goes over to the guy and checks it out thoroughly.

The doctor steps back puzzled. "I can't find anything wrong with it." The guy says proudly while zipping his fly. "I know! Ain't it a dandy?"

[Tokelil]

This one almost qualify as joke:
http://users.net1plus.com/scottm/HomeComputer.jpg

[jkrzok]

Name: __________________________________ Gang: ________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $350 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Jick-Ice is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so he can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make a 200% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen two BMWs and eight 4X4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make the total $2000?

6. Raoul is in prison for one year, two months for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how much time will he get for killing the bitch when he gets out?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average tag sign is 3 square feet, how many tags can the artiste spray with three cans of paint? (Assume none is used for sniff.)

8. Hector knocked up six of the 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

[rorythedog]

One day God calls down to Noah and says,

"Noah me old china, I wants you to Make me a new Ark"

Noah replies, "Nay probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all you're the boss!"

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, ok Big man, what ever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check"

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"Dunno" says God

>

>

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>

>Wait for it.......

>

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>

>Wait for it.......

>

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>

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"I just always fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

[jkrzok]

Yes! Good timing while reading a joke! :laugh:

[jkrzok]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

[rorythedog]

Sorry about the length of this one - not the first time I've had to apologise for my length - but Woolies say it's christmas so it must be true.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet


DAY TWO:

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet


DAY THREE:

My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.

All my love,

Violet


DAY FOUR:

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.

Love,

Violet


DAY FIVE:

Dear Bob,

What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet


DAY SIX:

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet


DAY SEVEN:

Bob,

What the hell's with you and these ****ing birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird ****
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet


DAY EIGHT:

OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW **** ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD **** ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.


DAY NINE:

LISTEN ****HEAD ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC *******! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW ****. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !


DAY TEN:

YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF **** ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !


DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN ****HEAD ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR ****ING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN


DAY TWELVE:

LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

[hedge]

HAHAHAHAHAAHA now thats a good one :silly:

[madjo]

:silly: just brilliant!

[jkrzok]

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out "Hello! I'd like to apply for the job."

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying "Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file."

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can't possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. "You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy."

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops (stopping briefly at QCD's forum to see the latest posts).

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn't going to give him a job.

"Well, you're an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you're a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual."

The cat stares imploringly into the owner's eyes and says "Woof!"

[rorythedog]

Preacher's Donkey
=================

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.00.
Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.00 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[jkrzok]

My class notes from Prof. Bugs Bunny's physics class. Feel free to crib for tests.

Cartoon Law I -- Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Details: Best to use an example: Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.


Cartoon Law II -- Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Details: Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III -- Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Details: Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV -- The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Details: Such an object is inevitably priceless, thus the attempt to capture it will be inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V -- All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Details: Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI -- As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

Details: This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII -- Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

Details: This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Corollary: Portable holes work.

Cartoon Law VIII -- Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Details: Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary 1: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Corollary 2: Cartoons cats have the uncanny ability to emit piano sounds when their teeth are transformed into piano keys after having a piano dropped on them.

Cartoon Law IX -- For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

Details: This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law X -- Everything falls faster than an anvil.
. . .
Cartoon Law Amendment A -- A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

Details: When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B -- The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Details: Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C -- Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

Details: They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D -- Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Details: Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E -- Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

Details: The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B), which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Cartoon Law Amendment F -- Any bag, sack, purse, etc. possessed by a cool character is a tesseract -- any number of objects of any size may be placed in it or removed from it with no change in its outer dimensions.

Cartoon Law Amendment G -- Characters can spin around and change into any set of clothes appropriate to the situation.

Cartoon Law Amendment H -- Rabbits can dig a burrow from here to there in less than 20 seconds and emerge spotlessly clean.

Cartoon Law Amendment I -- Movements are accompanied by funny sound effects.

[rorythedog]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision

U.S. NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North,
to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. **** off!

[jkrzok]

"First," said the playboy, "I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you’re not," said the girl.

"Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you’re not."

"And I’m not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

[rorythedog]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[jkrzok]

The Top Reasons to Go to Work Naked

Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

You want to see if it's like the dream.

So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.

People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

[rorythedog]

There are only ten times in history when the "F" word was considered acceptable for use...they are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all these @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want what on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers... My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad." - Osama Bin Laden, 2001

[rorythedog]

Fishin' Buds Sonny and Bufford were sitting on the porch shooting the
breeze. Sonny asked Bufford, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz
out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make
us kin?"
Bufford scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so... but it
shore would make us even!"

[jkrzok]

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were really humping away for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue on.

A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he asks again, "A little wider hun."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

Until finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

She looses it and yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"

He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out."

[jkrzok]

A little moment of silence for a great comedian. Rodney Dangerfield died today.

And now a few of his best one-liners.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighbourhood!'

When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. . . . and no one showed up.

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home.

When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.

A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"

[jkrzok]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[jkrzok]

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

She pushed out her chest, held her head up high, and said, "N."

[bmc152003]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
niiiicccccccccceeeeeeee

[Phalanx]

Alright,
"It all comes down to one thing: A Champion's Team will always beat a Team of Champions."
CANTERBURY CRUSADERS
The Crusade for Super 12 Glory begins...
21st February 2004
I don't know many good jokes, except some really bad ones and mostly NZ ones. Though I was there to watch the Brumbies run away with that final :cool:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

(need 4 characters)

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

----

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok we'll be nice to you since you're new ha ha ha
welcome to the forum man (phalanx):apple:
rex - ha ha ha ha classic pics mate
looks like you've been raiding strangecosmos.com

[jkrzok]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.

The car careered almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[jkrzok]

Presidential candidate John Kerry's wife has said she is going to get more involved in his campaign.

She said, "I am going to shave my pussy, wear a short skirt without panties and sit in the front row of my husband's rallies. When the camera comes on me I will spread my legs and show all."

"What is that supposed to do," asked a reporter.

She smiled and said, "Read my lips, NO MORE BUSH."

[jkrzok]

How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead."

[jkrzok]

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

[rorythedog]

Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground.
He didn't seem to be breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot.

Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"

[rorythedog]

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Hughie ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
" Wee Hughie sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. " You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

[rorythedog]

Sorry, last one.

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total",says the Genie.
The Irish guy says,"I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her,so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains,"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

[rorythedog]

I lied.

Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.

However, a beutiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.



And this is what he sang.

"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[rorythedog]

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away.

There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much cause to do so in the normal run of things.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch.

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.

[Todd The Kiwi]

There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot
ha ha ha this is my pick of the litter and will be accompanying me to the pub ;)

[jkrzok]

Smart-ass Answer #1
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart-ass Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-ass Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-ass Answer #4
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-ass Answer #5
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[jkrzok]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."

He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

"What? The dealer has...!"

"Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"But I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!"

[Todd The Kiwi]

Un-*-believable!
ha ha ha ha, man i bet you have so many drinking buddies -_0

[jkrzok]

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When
his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?"

"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

[jkrzok]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of the latest arrival who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:

Mr. Schwartz had the longest, thickest, hugest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into a large jar of formaldehyde and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you just won't believe," he said, pulling out the jar.

"Oh my God no!" the wife screamed. "Schwartz is dead?"

[jkrzok]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail.

She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm very sorry for the mistake," he tells her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[jkrzok]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring horses, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She nods with satisfaction. Then he asked her, "What about you?"

She replies, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

"Huh," the cowboy says, and the two resume sipping their drinks in silence.

A little while later a man sits down on the other side of the old cowboy. He turns to him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," the cowboy says as he pushes his hat a little higher on his head, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[jkrzok]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[jkrzok]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..."

Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th..."

"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui..." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet. "If any one of you can answer a simple question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"

Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No. You lose," says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?"

"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

"Sorry, you lose," says the gorgeous woman.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.

Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "...- D D D D D DDDDDerry!!"

[jkrzok]

A couple just got home from their honeymoon, and when the husband went
back to his house after work he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home or called.

She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

[jkrzok]

A doe comes out of the woods, tugging at her skirt and says, "That is the last time I do that for two bucks!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly please young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

[jkrzok]

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him,
even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[jkrzok]

A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."

[jkrzok]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him

[Todd The Kiwi]

"Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha man this cracked me up big time
you old geezers always have the best jokes aye ;)

[jkrzok]

Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Gee whiz, girl, arch your back! Poor Jim's balls are on the cold floor."

[rorythedog]

Superb!!!

[rorythedog]

I thought you guys might appreciate this. It makes me feel quite intelligent.

http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

http://www.uktsupport.co.uk/humour/humidx.htm

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Those are some great links man! Im laughing my arse off! :biggrin:

[jkrzok]

So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.

I said, "I’m over here, Dad..."

[jkrzok]

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife is to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her, and she and Fred were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of town on a business trip. But his innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.

Yet when he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.

"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.

"What's wrong," Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good
one?!"

[jkrzok]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[jkrzok]

Fred and Ethel had been married for 20 years, but Ethel had finally gotten sick and tired of one of Fred's strange habits.

Every time they made love, Fred insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years Ethel felt this was ridiculous, and figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw Fred was using a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

"I'll explain the toy," Fred says, looking her straight in the eyes, "if you explain the kids."

[jkrzok]

A mother had triplet daughters and, sure enough, they all got married the same day. On their wedding night, mom tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

Two days later the letters start to arrive from the various honeymoon destination spots.

The first one has the simple message: "Maxwell House Coffee". The mother gets the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." Mother is very happy.

The next day she gets the second letter. It reads: "Rothman's Mattresses". So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad and it says, "Full size, king size". And the mother is happy.

But she waits and waits for the third letter. It finally arrives after three weeks and has the message: "British Airways". Mother is at first perplexed, and when she finally finds the British Airways ad she fainted. The ad read:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

[Todd The Kiwi]

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

ha ha ha ha friggin classic mate, i laughed coffee out my nose :coffee:
the one prior to this was excellent too ;)

[jkrzok]

I know I'm really good in bed because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Randy was in the hospital for tests. At 11:00 AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00 PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00 PM and 7:00 PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's tests, they entered his room at 3:00 AM, 4:30 AM, and 6:00 AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it. If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass."

[rorythedog]

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

[rorythedog]

"Politicians and diapers both need to be changed - for the same reason"

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha "left handed" ;)
THIS (http://www.jokesgalore.com/members/thejoke.php?&uid=8873&dir=next&sql=body+like+%27%25kids%25%27+and+title+like+%27% 25kids%25%27+and&id=3282&flag=3) is funny, fans of skulls will like the rest of the site :skull:

[jkrzok]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha mate that was a very funny joke
i think i'd still find it funny if i was sober... :ponder: :cheeky:

[jkrzok]

The minister was just starting his sermon when he spotted a man step inside. He beckons him to sit and launches into his lesson on the Ten
Commandments.

Since it was a new face, the minister makes sure to seek the man out after the service to greet him.



"I have to confess," the man says, "that I didn't come in to hear your sermon. I came in to steal a hat, because it's cold and I seem to have lost mine."

"What made you stop, then?" the minister asks.

"Well, your talking about 'Thou shalt not steal' made me think about it.

"Terrific!" the minister says.

"Besides," the man continues, "when you got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

[jkrzok]

Dear Carolyn:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

It's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Carolyn." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Carolyn, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Carolyn? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Carolyn, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Carolyn, I'm just going crazy without you.

And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.

So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Carolyn ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you.

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Carolyn. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much.

Because who needs all that bitterness, Carolyn? It just tears us apart. And I
can't be apart from you. Because I love you.

[Todd The Kiwi]

that so isn't real right? such a precious mirror she would've taken with her ;)

[ulmas]

An African man comes to US and fills immigration applications in the US Department of Immigration. The immigration officer asks:
- Name..
- Rahat Bwabse..

- Sex..
- 2 times a day..

- No-no, I mean male or female?
- male, female.. sometimes camel..

[jkrzok]

I was watching TV as my wife was out cutting the grass during a hot summer day. I finally worked up the energy to go out and ask her what was for supper.

Well, I guess my missus was quite irritated about me sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded me. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So I went back in the house and fixed myself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time I was finishing up and asked me, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

[jkrzok]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar than he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The chain-smoker looked at it and paused.

The homosexual saw what he was thinking and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[Todd The Kiwi]

just noticed this...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/KlingonSpecialTeast.jpg

[Tokelil]

:cyclops:

[jkrzok]

Klingons are all around us...

http://klingon.dw-world.de/klingon/index.php
http://www.kli.org/

I must admit I'm surprised that a culture born light-years away from Earth uses the Roman alphabet.

[madjo]

Nah man, that is just the roman interpretation of the klingon letters :)

Same thing happens here with chinese and japanese... you have those characters, but they can also be written in Roman letters...

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

What about Farsi? Urdu? Xhosa? Yiddish? and others totally weird! Never heard of these before. Must be other interstellar galactic languages. :cool:

[jkrzok]

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon!"

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum!"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians!"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire!"

And so on and so on until the the Greek says: "We invented sex."

The Italian nods, and says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women."

[Todd The Kiwi]

very good :)
so who invented the internet? brittish? :carrot:

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'
i just had to aye. :ponder:

[rorythedog]

very good :)
so who invented the internet? brittish? :carrot:

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'
i just had to aye. :ponder:

I think it was an Englishman. He probably had Scottish parents though. :carrot:

[Todd The Kiwi]

where can i get the plugin that enables this function?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/extend.jpg
no? oh well...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/fuckit.jpg :skull:

[jkrzok]

Little Lisa was in the garden filling up a big hole in the dirt when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Lisa?"

"My goldfish died," replied Lisa tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned.

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" he asked.

Lisa patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Someone who just cant help himself:
http://www.geocities.com/jjchiu/icon/joke/microsoft.jpeg

Another one of those incredibly useful buttons:
http://www.geocities.com/jjchiu/icon/joke/j4.bmp

A msword hidden menu which im sure you guys will have discovered by now ;)
http://www.geocities.com/jjchiu/icon/joke/word2000.gif

[Zayoos]

another one... :)
http://www.fotos.org/galeria/data/507/3press-any-key.jpg

[jkrzok]

Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the Xmas period? If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in the evening.

By the end of the week the cow will be 42 miles away.

[jkrzok]

A Polish Scientist working with a frog:

He cuts off its front left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. He cuts off its front right leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. Cuts off the frog's back left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. Finally, he cuts off its back right leg. Tells it to jump but it doesn't jump.
His conclusion : After cutting off all legs, frogs lose hearing.

[ulmas]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”. My stupid computer keeps saying, “You've got mail!”

[Todd The Kiwi]

cripes, i wonder what would happen if she was told she had a virus.
i mean, how would she clean her system?
i was going to say something about "inserting a floppy" but that's bound to fail...
what if she had dyslexia, a hard disk wouldn't quite be the same.
ok i'm out of here before i embarrass myself... hmmm

[ulmas]

guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

[ulmas]

A short one:

A guy asks a young blonde he’s just slept with, “Am I the first guy you ever made love to?”
The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, “You might be. Your face looks familiar.”

[Zayoos]

Good one, jkrzok ;) old, but good.

[Todd The Kiwi]

i thought this was funny as, however...
spybot may be serious.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/colourblind.jpg

[jkrzok]

It gets rid of the green text.

[Todd The Kiwi]

It gets rid of the green text.
that's not funny at all man
this is the "joke thread" not the "truth thread" :ponder:
i must be "colour blonde" ;)

[Todd The Kiwi]

bog roll
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/riaabogroll.jpg
some funny pics of geek people
this link originates from majorgeeks.com geek 'til it MHZ (http://www.jinx.com/scripts/photo_gallery_dynamic.asp) ha ha ha ha

add on: i found this while checking my spelling...spam originates (http://www.hardwaregeeks.com/comments.php?shownews=2620)

[jkrzok]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[Qaz]

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Have to admit ;)

[rorythedog]

President Bush is visiting a school (again). He gives a little speach and then asks the class if they have any questions. A boy throws up his arm. The Presidents aid says his name is Billy. "So Billy, ask away.", says Bush. "I've got three questions Mr. President. 1-Why did we go to war with a sovereign nation without the backing of the UN? 2-Why are there no weapons of mass destruction? 3-Where is Osama Bin Laden? Bush scratches his head, looks at his aid and is about to reply when the recess bell rings. The President stands up and tells the class he'll answer any questions after recess.

Fifteen minutes later and back in class, the President says "Right, where were we? Ah yes! Who's got a question?" A boy throws up his hand and the Presidents aid says his name is Johnny. "Yes Johnny, what do you want to ask me?" "I have five questions Mr. President. 1-Why did we go to war with a sovereign nation without the backing of the UN? 2-Why are there no weapons of mass destruction? 3-Where is Osama Bin Laden? 4-Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5-Where the fuck is Billy?"

[Hanzo]

Now I don't know if this is a good one for you guys, but here is funny.

4 college law students were close to an exam, the exam was on monday but a their respective chicks did not had to present the exam and were planning to spend the weekend on the beach.

The fellas didn't hesitate and went to the beach with the girls planning to return on Sunday to study for the exam, but they were having such a great time that they forgot about the exam and decided to bullshit the teacher and have the exam reassigned to another day.

On monday when they returned they explained the teacher that they were off town and they were planning to return for the exam on Sunday but they had a flat tire and could not get on time for the exam. The teacher bought the story and reassigned the exam for the next day. The 4 guys studied and came for the exam. The teacher gave them their tests and placed them in different classrooms to avoid cheating. The exam was worth 100 points.

The first question for 5 points was something about the Talion's law (the eye for eye thing) which was pretty simple, the dudes tought 'piece of cake'

The second question was for 95 points.
Which one of the 4 tires was flat?

:biggrin:

[jkrzok]

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."

[BALTY]

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? :bandit:

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. :ninja:

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

*** :grimreape


Also...

Drunk Test

A true story.

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car , opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test ! :cheeky:

[jkrzok]

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

[Todd The Kiwi]

"according to a recent survey - looking at a womans tits adds years to your life"
i wonder if this is why women live longer than men on average...? :skull:

[jkrzok]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,

"Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things . . .

"One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

"Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

"Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

"Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

"Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says:

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

[gsb521]

Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!

That's great! LOL http://quinnware.com/forum/images/emots/laugh.gif

[jkrzok]

"according to a recent survey - looking at a womans tits adds years to your life"
i wonder if this is why women live longer than men on average...? :skull:

So do men that go to strip bars live longer? Because if so, I'm dropping my health club membership and find myself a stool at a local strip bar.

[Todd The Kiwi]

it certainly doesn't apply to the guy in your last post ;)

[jkrzok]

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the
girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be
a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll f*ck her again!"

[Todd The Kiwi]

good god damn! that is one funny joke mate 10/10
morning teatime tomorrow at work the lads will be pissing themselves ;)

[jkrzok]

One night Satan appears to an trial attorney working late in his office. "I'm Satan," says the devil, "and I'm here to give you everything you want." "You'll be the most famous lawyer of all time, you'll win every case you represent, you'll have all the money you'd ever want, fabulous houses, cars, beautiful women!" "In return," he says, "I want your soul, your mother and father's souls, the soul of your wife and children and from all of your best friends!" "I don't get it," says the lawyer. "What's the catch?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town of Jackson,Mississippi got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the Beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." ...And Man gained pounds.

Then God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. ...And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.

And there was ice cream for dessert. ...And Woman gained pounds.

And God said unto Man, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. ...And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. ...And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stents . . . . .

And Satan created HMO's.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.

Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.

When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.

God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"

God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil: Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you''d be bumming out too.

Devil: Hell isn''t what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you''re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more.

Man: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?

Man: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You''re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don''t have to worry about getting cancer because you''re already dead anyways.

Man: No shit!

Devil: You like gambling?

Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.

Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?

Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...

Devil: That''s right man, because on Thursdays, it''s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don''t have to worry about overdosing because you''re already dead anyhow.

Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Man: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you''re gonna hate Fridays!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Satan at School

Attention Students:

It has come to our attention that several of you have felt it necessary to engage in pagan rituals during passing periods. While we can't allow goats in and out of the building due to fire hazards (And the FFA is getting suspicious of the whereabouts of the cattle) we will allow incense and hooded robes with a permit only. Human sacrifice must be kept, preferably, to a minimum, seeing as we are beginning to run low on faculty members. Also the janitors are beginning to complain about the giant pentagrams. The Principle is beginning to grow irritated with the recurring jack-o-lanterns he finds on his desk every morning with a knife plunged in its side and a note reading "YOU." If this sort of behavior persists, we shall be forced to notify Master Satan. As you all are aware by now, Mr. Satan has been kind enough to give us a wonderful deal on the sale of our souls.

In light of these recent events, we have found it necessary to set up new guidelines for future seances and/or demon conjuring.

1.) The shedding of blood must be within the yellow parking lines only. (CAUTION: Please wear plastic gloves when dealing with blood, due to the fact that AIDS is a equal rights disease, and no one is immune... Not even Satan.)

2.) Remember: The Pit of Despair is not used as a trash receptacle, please keep all Coke cans out of hell because they are having a problem with recycling their crap already.

3.) The fetal pigs in the Biology labs are ONLY THERE FOR DISSECTION. But feel free to pillage the AG farm at any opportunity.

We do realize that Satanic sacrifice is a dirty job, we are just asking you to clean it up. We thank you for your understanding and hope that you will adhere to these requests.

Sincerely,
THE MGNT.

[jkrzok]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Todd The Kiwi]

badoom tss :beer:

the 666 'medley' prior to this was excellent "Oooh, you''re gonna hate Fridays!"
"tgif" ? more like "omgif" ha ha ha :ninja:

[jkrzok]

A Newfoundlander went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" Again the newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotiaa hunting license

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me -- you're the expert!"

[jkrzok]

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[jkrzok]

A Man's Perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the breakfast table...
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

[jkrzok]

A man came home from watching a rugby match between Ireland and France.

His young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"

"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!"

"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"

"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."

[jkrzok]

A beautiful actress’ long-time agent discovered one day that she’d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.

Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don’t I even get my agent’s ten percent as a discount?"

"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."

Her agent wasn’t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.

When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.

Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner’s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you’re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."

"I’m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He’s at the door selling tickets."

[Hanzo]

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that said he could have any three wishes, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie.

"I want a billion dollars," replies the man.

"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of whatever you get."

"I know" replies the man.

The man than chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his secong wish and he is very content.

"Your mother-in-law gets double of what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie.

The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

:cheeky:

[Hanzo]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does.

There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario.

She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

:cheeky:

[Hanzo]

A pair of lovers was making love in bed when they hear the husband enter. They jump off the bed and she calms him: Don't worry, I am going to cover you with talc and you remain completely quiet so he thinks you're a statue.

Quickly she covers him with talk and he remains still all white.

After a moment, the husband enters the room.

- What's up hun?
- Very well, my love.
- And this statue?
- Nothing, I saw the other day an equal one in house of the Smiths, I liked it and I have bought one for us this morning.

Without any comments they both lie down. At three o' clock in the morning, the husband wakes, goes to the kitchen, takes a glass of milk and some cakes and returns to room. He approaches the statue and he whispers in his ear:

- Here, champ, I spent three days like this in the house of the Smiths and they didn't offer not even a water glass to me.

:cheeky:

[Hanzo]

In Honor of Stupid People.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(but, it's "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(...and you thought???)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(and...I'm taking this! because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for other use.
(now, somebody out there, help me on this! . I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly with Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

:cheeky:

[gsb521]

I saw that list of things in a chain email (which i despise) in about 2001. Its pretty funny. I thought it would be better without the comments. it treats u like ur not smart enough to figure it out.