joke thread

[Tokelil]

Damn thats insane! :devil:

[Todd The Kiwi]

DELL are under that pile of wiring somewhere... :bulb:

[badbite26]

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?





There was a face-off in the corner.

[badbite26]

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

[Todd The Kiwi]

kiwi construction workers? (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10511818) :rolleyes:
(http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10511818)

[badbite26]

kiwi construction workers? (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10511818) :rolleyes:
(http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10511818)

I wonder if this is common response in Israel? :nervous:

[Todd The Kiwi]

the next time i see one i'll expect this to happen, what a tease.
loitering at an ATM isn't a good look though...

[WHAT?]

This will show them! (to whistled at more women). She didn't make sense, did she!(?):cheeky:

[badbite26]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.



Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.



The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."



The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

[Todd The Kiwi]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying
'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Todd The Kiwi]

Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.



5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.



6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.



7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.



8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.



9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.



10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'



11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?



12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.



13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither



14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.



15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.



16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before



PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS



1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.



4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.



5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.



6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.



10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.



11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.



12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.



13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.



14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.



15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.



16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.



17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[Todd The Kiwi]

last one =)SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY



1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them,
but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[WHAT?]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk ofthe town.

People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'

[Todd The Kiwi]

butterface (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/636787/)

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...the most cheapest one he could find.
This is his report... Most honorable sir! You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee, Cheng LeeandThe boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said… 'Debra, I've never done this before but… I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off then please?' she says. 'I have a headache and I feel like shit.'

[WHAT?]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash ... #@&&^C% .......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[Todd The Kiwi]

It is the nature of chickens to cross the roadi like this one and the Dr Phil one ha ha :silly:

[Todd The Kiwi]

OMG! unix - eunuchs i JUST got it :ponder:

[WHAT?]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they ecided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5..00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:


Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC! ., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes

[Todd The Kiwi]

ahaha! classic :p

[Hanzo]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

Hilarious,,,

[Willow of Oz]

What's green and has 64 wheels?


Grass.


Okay, I lied about the wheels.

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Awww nostalgia already ha ha

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive/phd070908s.gif

[Todd The Kiwi]

how's the beard coming along rex :pirate:

[Todd The Kiwi]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/funny-pictures-cat-from-the-internet.jpg

[Todd The Kiwi]

aah, tux (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tux) rental? ha ha

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/226/505086688_0717772f89.jpg

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Not a Joke but funny nonetheless :foureyes: :

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v405/RMI/th_tux.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v405/RMI/tux.jpg)

(This is my photo but feel free to distribute)

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha hey cool pic rex :biggrin:

[B.E.L.B.H.D.]

Awww nostalgia already ha ha


These are always funny

[Willow of Oz]

What sort of music gets played on vinyl?

Groovy music.

[badbite26]

Your mama's sooooo fat she;

1: I have to take a train, a plane, and 2 buses to get on her good side!

2: her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."!

3: when she wears a yellow raincoat, people run after her and call "Taxi!"!

4: She bleeds gravy

5: she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"

[B.E.L.B.H.D.]

Your mama's sooooo fat she;

1: I have to take a train, a plane, and 2 buses to get on her good side!

2: her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."!

3: when she wears a yellow raincoat, people run after her and call "Taxi!"!

4: She bleeds gravy

5: she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"

Two years ago, I had a class in which we had to present on some major paradigm shift and explain what lead to the shift. Someone chose to explain how there was a shift toward the preference of 'Your mom' jokes. The entire room was basically silent listening to this, and the kid got completely torn apart for choosing such a topic.

[WHAT?]

Two years ago, I had a class in which we had to present on some major paradigm shift and explain what lead to the shift. Someone chose to explain how there was a shift toward the preference of 'Your mom' jokes. The entire room was basically silent listening to this, and the kid got completely torn apart for choosing such a topic.
Maybe his jokes sucked!

[Willow of Oz]

Maybe his jokes sucked!
Or maybe his friend's mom was the teacher.

[WHAT?]

Or maybe his friend's mom was the teacher.
And by "teacher" you mean.. fat?:grin:

[badbite26]

Two years ago, I had a class in which we had to present on some major paradigm shift and explain what lead to the shift. Someone chose to explain how there was a shift toward the preference of 'Your mom' jokes. The entire room was basically silent listening to this, and the kid got completely torn apart for choosing such a topic.


Yeah, there was a list of 50. IMO, these were the funniest. Somtimes I laugh because it's silly. I don't always want to have think about it.

[Hanzo]

I'm still laughing at this one...

http://intrawebnet.com/cyber_texts/

:ditsy:

[Todd The Kiwi]

What sort of music gets played on vinyl?

Groovy music.dude, i have eisenvater, morbid angel, grave, napalm death and skin chamber on vinyl :p

[WHAT?]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated
each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that
this was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals
that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, He explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to
find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, Her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

[WHAT?]

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a249/WhatTheH/BearWarning.jpg

[Hanzo]

Funny as hell... :ditsy:

[Todd The Kiwi]

haha! they DO shit in the woods :ditsy:

[badbite26]

Read it slow at first, then faster.




I AM WE TODD IT, I AM SOFA KING WE TODD IT :evolved:

[Todd The Kiwi]

are you that chinese furniture salesman - sofa king wong :p

[badbite26]

are you that chinese furniture salesman - sofa king wong :p


No, I am retarded, I am so fvcking retarded.

[Hanzo]

I don't get it... but I'm no retarded, afaik :o

[Todd The Kiwi]

Read it slow at first, then faster.




I AM WE TODD IT, I AM SOFA KING WE TODD ITsay it fast mate, then you too can be me tarded...

[Hanzo]

OK... now I'm really retarded.

[WHAT?]

DIRTY ROOM :
When you rearrange the letters:
DORMITORY


BEST IN PRAYER:
When you rearrange the letters:
PRESBYTERIAN


MOON STARER:
When you rearrange the letters:
ASTRONOMER


A ROPE ENDS IT:
When you rearrange the letters:
DESPERATION


THEY SEE: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THE EYES


HE BUGS GORE:
When you rearrange the letters:
GEORGE BUSH


HERE COME DOTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
THE MORSE CODE


CASH LOST IN ME:
When you rearrange the letters:
SLOT MACHINES


IS NO AMITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
ANIMOSITY


LIES - LET'S RECOUNT:
When you rearrange the letters:
ELECTION RESULTS


ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S :
When you rearrange the letters:
SNOOZE ALARMS


I'M A DOT IN PLACE:
When you rearrange the letters:
A DECIMAL POINT



THAT QUEER SHAKE:
When you rearrange the letters:
THE EARTHQUAKES



TWELVE PLUS ONE:
When you rearrange the letters:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO





AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




WOMAN HITLER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOTHER-IN-LAW

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

[Todd The Kiwi]

ah ha ha ha, good find mate! :cheeky: :biggrin:

[Hanzo]

That's hilarious... :biggrin:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

The best! :coffee:

[WHAT?]

Thanks


Skinny Dip'n....

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dippingin his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: :cheerful: Dirty old men can still think fast.

[WHAT?]

Electile Dysfunction:�:confused:

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.


http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a249/WhatTheH/ElectileDysfunction.jpg

[Hanzo]

Skinny Dip'n....

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dippingin his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: :cheerful: Dirty old men can still think fast.

hahahahahaha... I laughed really hard at this one... Cheers!

[badbite26]

One of the best redneck jokes...

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logicall y have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then... uhh..you're a queer.'

[Todd The Kiwi]

rednecks are funny =)

[WHAT?]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.

[Todd The Kiwi]

If you can read this thank a teacher, and since it's in English thank a soldieri don't know whether to laugh or cry, so i'll just laugh :rolleyes:

[badbite26]

Yesterday I was taking a break in the back garden after nasty storms, and my wife upstairs was having a shower.

I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her: "Honey, where's the rake?".

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?".

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".

My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Well, I had no idea what in god's name she was on about, so I trudged up the stairs, poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, "What the hell was that?".

She replied

























EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

[squeege2]

har har har har ahra ra ha r har....can't catch my breath....har har r ha !:silly:

[Todd The Kiwi]

vegetarian zombie "graaaaains, graaaains"

ha ha ha ha ha :skull: :silly:


edit: bummer, it turns out this has been done already
i just found a shirt with a kernel pic and that quote =(

[WHAT?]

Many of you may have used the derogatory term "d*ckhead" to refer to someone who may deservedly have earned such a title. Others of you may have earned the title for yourselves.

However, it should be noted that real "d*ckheads" do exist in the wild, and may be spending some time this summer at a community swimming pool in your area.

Be alert and exercise necessary caution.!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

[Todd The Kiwi]

zombie plumber: draaaains, draaaaiiiins ha ha ha

[badbite26]

BODYWASH: I can't go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.

SHOULDER : My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I SHOULDER.

COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry because I had to go COCKATOO!

SODAS: My vieja has beeg tatas and SODAS her sister.

JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!!!

JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem!

TISSUE: Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me T ISSUE how!

HEATER: My lil sister started to choke...Perro my mom told me to HEATER in the back!

BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn't BRIEF!

JULY : Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer!!!

MUSHROOM : When my familia gets in the car......There's not MUSHROOM left!

CHE ESE : I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I said ay vato CHEESE with me!!

TEXAS : My pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb jokes.

WATER : My vieja gets mad and I don't even know WATER problem is!

HERPES : Me & my ruca order some pizza, I got my piece & she got HERPES.


HORCHATA : You can keep talking your crap, HORCHATA hell up!

FRITO :After arguing with the pinche policia he told me I was FRITO go!

[badbite26]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always

reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'


Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,





'Winnie the SHIT'.

[Willow of Oz]

Have you heard about the 2 gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

[Todd The Kiwi]

right, we're doing fag jokes? cool:

difference between a fag and a microwave?
a microwave doesn't fart when you take the meat out...

[Willow of Oz]

I was doing irish jokes ... because I'm irish.
Which means ... ?

[Todd The Kiwi]

right, where were we...

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rha/lowres/rhan516l.jpg

[Hanzo]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always

reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'


Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,





'Winnie the SHIT'.

Fun as hell...

:silly:

[Todd The Kiwi]

why ruin something you enjoy by being taught it... :bulb:

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha just got this:

Strange "Insults With Class!"

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

[Todd The Kiwi]

if we start handing out infractions to everyone, it's going to look like confetti at a wedding.

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

if we start handing out infractions to everyone, it's going to look like confetti at a wedding.

I don't even know what happens when i give two infractions. Hmmm i need a test subject... Todd, can you create a new member whom i can give infractions? :P

[badbite26]

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

[badbite26]

Daddy, how was I born ?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

[Todd The Kiwi]

Daddy, how was I born ?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.ha ha! nice one

[gimp]

so which one of you fucking arseholes is in charge here?

i h8 fags, jews and niggaz

infract this shit muthafuckah!

http://www.gaymoviedome.com/

http://www.snuffx.com/main.html

with love from mexico, home of horse cock.

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y19/margieb/animation/3-d%20animation/More%203-d%20animation/thanksgiving0ki.jpg

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

He he The GIMP :P Todd, for some reason I cant give an infraction to this fake member :S wtf? Maybe more posts are required...

EDIT: Ah some other mod already gave an infraction. You have to make it post again.

[Todd The Kiwi]

hey man i would never ever do something so irresponsible :ponder:


soccer anyone? http://www.quinnware.com/forum/images/buttons/infraction.gif :ditsy:

[Toe]

Plz to be not using the post reporter on shit like this. You just sent an e-mail to all mods/admins when you did that. I've got enough shit to deal with as is, thanks.

[hedge]

lol why attach the eicar av test onto that post?

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

lol why attach the eicar av test onto that post?

Hmmm, I was just wondering about that too aye. That gimpdude is one serious joker :bandit:

[Willow of Oz]

what do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese

[Hanzo]

what do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese

LOL !!! :silly:

[WHAT?]

The gimp virus...

\False Pos do you think?:ermm: :confused:
(just a test you say?)

[Hanzo]

It is a test virus... check it (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eicar_test_file) out

[Todd The Kiwi]

so you're saying i can't haz chz? :cheeky:


um hedge even said it was the eicar virus test file... :carrot:

[Todd The Kiwi]

heh

http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i240/iluvclubs/gay.jpg

[Willow of Oz]

Information wants to be anthropomorphised.

[Antman]

Dickhead Cheney and Dumbass George are driving around the ranch checking the fence line for needed repairs. They come upon a cow with her head stuck in the fence.

Dickhead Cheney gets out of the truck, pulls down his pants, and starts fuckin' the cow. He finishes, pulls up his pants, and tells Dumbass George, "OK, it's your turn."

Dumbass George gets out of the truck and sticks his head in the fence.

[Todd The Kiwi]

Dickhead Cheney and Dumbass George are driving around the ranch checking the fence line for needed repairs. They come upon a cow with her head stuck in the fence.

Dickhead Cheney gets out of the truck, pulls down his pants, and starts fuckin' the cow. He finishes, pulls up his pants, and tells Dumbass George, "OK, it's your turn."

Dumbass George gets out of the truck and sticks his head in the fence.hilarious :biggrin:

[Todd The Kiwi]

from here (http://www.squidoo.com/demotivator) =)

http://www.captainsquid.com/go/pirates.jpg

[WHAT?]

That reminds my of some trivia.... and a Beastie boys song.:biggrin:

Cannon Balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon
on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck
was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a
square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on
nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could
be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.There was only one
problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from
under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round
indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the
iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem
was to make Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too
far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon
balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally,
cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time,
you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?

[Antman]

...I did it with my wiffle ball bat.

[Todd The Kiwi]

brass monkey - heh, i didn't know that.

i heard it was a chinese weather instrument...

[Hanzo]

I thought the phrase reffered only to a stupid song from the beastie boys.

[Antman]

There is a racist joke about African tribes and their American descendants - the Wombacks, Moteesuh and Hodedos - and the jobs they hold. Wombacks on garbage trucks, Hodedos as doormen and Moteesuh as waiters. A stupid, moronic piece of racist nonsense. Anyway, the true part...

A group of friends and I are having lunch at a small Chinese restaurant in Houston. We were grouped around the buffet grabbing plates and all, when the waiter asked my friend Abby what we would have to drink. Abby asked each of my friends, and each of them said, "Tea".

Abby looked at me and I said to her, "Moteesuh". Abby, not knowing the joke, turns to the Chinese waiter and says, "Four ice teas and one Moteesuh."

He looks at her indignantly and snorts - "Oh, you try be funny."

[Antman]

I went to China once. Thirty minutes after I left, I felt like I hadn't been anywhere.

[badbite26]

I went to China once. Thirty minutes after I left, I felt like I hadn't been anywhere.

I had a similar experience with a Chinese hooker. ;)

[Hanzo]

Talking about hooks... some time ago I was about to hookup with cute chinese girl, but she got married due her father gambling her.

Obviously it wasn't wise to hookup with her anymore...:)
I haven't found any other chinese girl like that again...

[Todd The Kiwi]

he gambled her? :cross-eye

[Willow of Oz]

Talking about hooks... some time ago I was about to hookup with cute chinese girl, but she got married due her father gambling her.

Obviously it wasn't wise to hookup with her anymore...:)
I haven't found any other chinese girl like that again...
Bah, look for the chinese fathers with pretty daughters and bad poker faces :ponder:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Some good old LOTR jokes

Boromir's imaginary phone (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v405/RMI/LOTR/borophone.gif)

The Catapult part 1 (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v405/RMI/LOTR/catapult1.gif)

The Catapult part 2 (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v405/RMI/LOTR/catapult2.gif)

The alternative solution to the catapult (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v405/RMI/LOTR/LOTRse-1.gif)

[Hanzo]

he gambled her? :cross-eye

Yep,,, chinese in Panama 90% of the time setup their own business which they run with their families as employees. But most of them have a nasty gambling habit. They can go as far as gambling their own business, their wife, daughters, anything that is of interest to their counterpart.

That is not unknown here, but the would never admit such thing. I know of a case of a family head that gambled everything he had. The family now works to pay off the debt.

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha!

http://takika.blogdns.com/files/071010/unix-is-sexy_klein.gif

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

If this is news, the world is one friggin joke. :ditsy:

Kidman hails fertile waterfalls in the Australian outback (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7633455.stm)

[Hanzo]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Todd The Kiwi]

he must have been Irish :p


oh, and Nicole: it's probably due to all the fvcking...

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

oh, and Nicole: it's probably due to all the fvcking...

Maybe she's the new virgin mother. Artificially inseminated in the billabong :cheeky:

[Todd The Kiwi]

http://www.funkysmell.com/previous.htm

[WHAT?]

in the hen house

[Todd The Kiwi]

if you work in a nunnery, don't click this [ad banner at the top, the rest is 'ok' just]

http://www.dagimp.org/stupid.html

[Hanzo]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[Hanzo]

Check this (http://techdirt.com/articles/20081015/0239082548.shtml) one out. At least I thought it was hilarious :laugh:

[Todd The Kiwi]

nice one hanzo =)

i bet those dickheads successfully sue wal*mart, it's a sad world indeed.

heh, just remembered i own this book (http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Criminals-Wendy-Lewis/dp/1741102855/ref=sr_11_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1224201773&sr=11-1) :ditsy:

[Todd The Kiwi]

this (http://www.cracked.com/article_15923_40-most-inappropriate-childrens-book-covers.html) is initially safe-ish for work =)

[Willow of Oz]

if you work in a nunnery, don't click this [ad banner at the top, the rest is 'ok' just]

http://www.dagimp.org/stupid.html
sure, topless women, pubic hair, all G rated *rolls eyes*

[Hanzo]

I laughed hard at this one:

http://www.dagimp.org/owned/michael_jackson.gif.gif

[Todd The Kiwi]

i really like the "this thread sucks" and "gay thread" stuff aye ha ha :laugh:

[WHAT?]

Pope in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear, and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha! 'pope mobile' i mean 'bait' :silly:

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok this (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/sniff.png) is funny but i may get in shit for it :o

no nudity or anything, but still.

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :skull:

http://www.globalnerdy.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/zombie_food_pyramid.jpg

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Groovy mate. Hey I watched George's Romero's Day of the dead. It was pretty good i thought, but intelligent zombies?? Naaaah :bandit:

[Todd The Kiwi]

Groovy mate. Hey I watched George's Romero's Day of the dead. It was pretty good i thought, but intelligent zombies?? Naaaah :bandit:which one? old or new?

i saw this (http://ninxmz.org/images/demotivators/buttsecks_cow.jpeg) and burst into hysterics! :laugh:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

which one? old or new?

i saw this (http://ninxmz.org/images/demotivators/buttsecks_cow.jpeg) and burst into hysterics! :laugh:

New one mate. You're now probably gonna say that the old one is better ;)

[Todd The Kiwi]

New one mate. You're now probably gonna say that the old one is betterheh, i only watched the new one because the vid shop didn't have the original =(

[WHAT?]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???



OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!







Everyone knows...



You can't kill Two Birds



with OneStone !!! :silly:

[Todd The Kiwi]

groooooan! i laughed though ;)

[Todd The Kiwi]

your butthole .
your butthole in prison O :scared:

[Hanzo]

Some computer errors... funny stuff

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

[Hanzo]

Don't download this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz-grdpKVqg) song.

[Todd The Kiwi]

:skull: :evolved: :grimreape i'm in hysterics by the way

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_tm33tTS2iZc/SBLeNmm0HMI/AAAAAAAAA6Q/AOxjTrUXnRg/s1600/trolls.jpg

[Todd The Kiwi]

is this funny? i cracked up at this aye :biggrin:

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh145/xmrsdanifilth/Funny_Jokes_Comedy/005-2-2.jpg

[Todd The Kiwi]

something broke :normal:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/th_1Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/1Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/th_2Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/2Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/th_3Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/3Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/th_4Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v608/toddthekiwi/busted%20google/4Screenshot-C1295-GoogleSearch-Icew.png)

edit: apparently there was some kind of google meltdown yesterday

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ted_talk.png

[Todd The Kiwi]

canadian palaeontology :skull:

[Hanzo]

all in all how do you end parenthetical statements with emoticons???

I think it's a pretty good question,,,

Linux (or BSD =)
Linux (or BSD =) )

We need a poll :depressed

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Maybe use inline emoticons?

Linux (or BSD -_- )
Linux (or BSD 0_o )
Linux (or BSD ^_^ )
Linux (or BSD >_< )
...

[Todd The Kiwi]

bsd looks cooler than BSD
like qmp looks better than QMP or QCD :cheeky:

[Hanzo]

Problem solved... didn't think about inline emoticons, you're a genius !

[Willow of Oz]

That's a pretty good solution Rex! (but I so prefer your mainstream solution :-) ) - if you can't parse parentheses then you fail computer science ;)

[squeege2]

canadian palaeontology :skull:
( Is that... pale-ale-on-to-low-guy (http://gsc.nrcan.gc.ca/paleo/index_e.php)? ( -_- )=)

[Todd The Kiwi]

( Is that... pale-ale-on-to-low-guy (http://gsc.nrcan.gc.ca/paleo/index_e.php)? ( -_- )=)hey, i saw what you did there ;)

chernobyl-icon...

[Willow of Oz]

( Is that... pale-ale-on-to-low-guy (http://gsc.nrcan.gc.ca/paleo/index_e.php)? ( -_- )=)
You're on the wrong side of the globe :carrot::cyclops:
http://amonline.net.au/palaeontology/

[Todd The Kiwi]

ok this page (http://www.cosmicbuddha.com/blog/archives/2007/03/) is just funny throughout :biggrin:

ghetto cleaver / battle axe ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Todd The Kiwi]

:evolved: http://www.neatorama.com/2009/02/09/10-things-science-fiction-got-wrong/ :evolved:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

http://shop.neatorama.com/avactis-images/shirt-pwnage-l.gif

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

f*ck me! No way!

Mike Jacobsen lives in Canberra, Australia, and is a cartoonist when he's not being graphic designer. He is published is several magazines and his work can be seen on his website seemikedraw.wordpress.com.

[Todd The Kiwi]

this may not surprise you lot, but somehow, i don't get it :rolleyes:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

You must know a lot of people from Canberra then ;) Jackie Chan...etc

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

ooo pretty (http://www.quinnware.com/404.php) :devil:

[Todd The Kiwi]

ooo pretty (http://www.quinnware.com/404.php)YES! that's awesome =]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle, but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note and reads: “Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

[Todd The Kiwi]

todd - http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/11777.jpg

sqny - http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/115445.jpg

fcuk - http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/114362.jpg

toe - http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/105875.jpg

homo - http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/14774.jpg

sphinx - http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/10473.jpg

[Hanzo]

Pretty funny!!! Last one seems fakey tho...

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

This is a note I found at the Electron Microscopy Unit and feel tempted to paste it to my rock deformation machine downstairs in the lab

ACHTUNG
ALLES LOOKENPEEPERS!
Dies Machine is nicht für gefingerspoken
und mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen
der springenwerk, blowenfusen und pop-
pencorken mit spitzensparken. Is nicht
für gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands
in das pockets - relaxen und watch das
blinken lights.

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha! is that real? :globe:

[hedge]

This is a note I found at the Electron Microscopy Unit and feel tempted to paste it to my rock deformation machine downstairs in the lab

Ergh what broken german english :P

[Todd The Kiwi]

Pretty funny!!! Last one seems fakey tho...
yeah i see what you mean, dang that doesn't count then ha ha :knocked-o

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-heater-fail.jpg

More at http://failblog.org

[BALTY]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (which of course is... Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

[BALTY]

OK, that one's pretty lame, I admit. But here is another...


Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

[BALTY]

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a249/WhatTheH/there-is-a-reason-demotivational-po.jpg

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

That's like a child saying that milk comes from the supermarket. Yes it does. :knocked-o

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

Buttered cat paradox (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_cat_paradox)

I think the toast loses out unless it exerts the same gravitational attraction as the cat i.e. has the same mass.

[Todd The Kiwi]

ha ha ha ha that's hilarious! :laugh:

[Hanzo]

I found both of them really funny Balty... :biggrin:

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[BALTY]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

What do you call it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four is born Chinese.)

[BALTY]

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.




Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!

[BALTY]

Religious humor


An Irish priest is driving down to *New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says,*"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water,"*says the priest.
The trooper says,*"Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!":cheeky:



The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill.":paranoid:
*

[Todd The Kiwi]

'Do Not Disturb'!"ha ha ha!!! :cheeky:

[BALTY]

http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p189/baltyqmp/qmp/fail-owned-barstool-win.jpg

[BALTY]

What did the egg say to the boiling water??
?
?
?
?
?
http://yoursmiles.org/ksmile/egg/k1613.gif
?
?
?
?
http://yoursmiles.org/ksmile/egg/k1620.gif
?
?
?
?
http://yoursmiles.org/ksmile/egg/k1608.gif
?
?
?

"It might take me a while to get hard... I just got laid by a chick
http://yoursmiles.org/ksmile/egg/k1622.gif

[BALTY]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
"Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
“Excellent trade, sir.”

[BALTY]

1. Impotence ... Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings."

2. The proctologist called ... they found your head.

3. Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date.

4. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

5. Guys ... Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

[BALTY]

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

[BALTY]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to soft boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'


She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.

[Hanzo]

Pretty good one... I laughed a lot with it... :silly:

[Willow of Oz]

Loved the sex frog
:biggrin:

[BALTY]

Where have you all been?
I thought I was the only one in the joke thread anymore LOL!

[Hanzo]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[Hanzo]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Hanzo]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[BALTY]

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

love it!

[jingleheimer]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
'I've won a motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...





'W I N A B A G E L'

[badbite26]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,

you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[BALTY]

There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunner's Mate Senior Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee- slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!!!"

[BALTY]

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U. S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time'". The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?" "What!?!" replied the Marine, "and have you three a33holes report that I was the aggressor...?"

[BALTY]

It would say Texas instead of Illinois.

A group of doctors at a global medical conference are bragging to each other about the state of medicine in their home countries.

A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinios, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

I've heard this one with "an ASS" for "a man with no brains" and "Chicago" for Illinois as well.
Again, insert your anti-political figure of choice here. (why do I feel the need to pre-qualify this?):paranoid:

[BALTY]

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

[jingleheimer]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story?



'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

[Todd The Kiwi]

evil orange - juicifer :devil:

[BALTY]

I was at my bank today there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

[Hanzo]

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

hehehe... funny!

[BALTY]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-memory-ad-fail.jpg

http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/engrish-funny-warring-sex.jpg

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/5/85%20Natures%20Sense%20Of%20Humor.jpg

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/5/79%20Piggy%20Bath.jpg

[BALTY]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/72/223075056_a45d7a57c8.jpg

http://www.radioreference.com/forums/attachments/politics/22515d1242230247-cartoons-obamapiedpiper.jpg

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/ATA/25776M~Depends-Posters.jpg

[BALTY]

Subject: To the Mugger! TOO GOOD


Posted to Craig's List Personals:


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah the night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I
hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I
drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing
the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that
cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had
just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.
Beautiful pistol eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head,isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal
of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug me again.
I took the liberty of calling your mother, or"Momma" as
you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card The guy
with the big motor home taking 150 gallons, they were extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp
mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which
ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've
only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't
permanently cut off your service.
I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the 0D
D A 's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
making you walk back home humiliated.
I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice
of your path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..
-
Alex
P.S: Remember this motto
... an
armed society is a polite society!

[Todd The Kiwi]

god listens to slayer! woo hoo ha ha ha :ditsy:

[Hanzo]

That shit was fun Balty... I'm translating it to share with my non-english speaking friends. Good stuff!

[jingleheimer]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Todd The Kiwi]

that was the funniest thing i have read today, man that's a good one :silly:

[BALTY]

Yes, very funny!
1,2,3,for

[Todd The Kiwi]

true story.

several years ago, when i had long hair, i was entering a grog shop (http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/grog%20shop) over here
loitering outside was this drunk old man and he hit on me!
i turned around and was like what the fvck man?!
the old boy fell over! i cracked up, man that was funny :ponder:

[Rex_Mundi_Incarnit]

I went to see Wolverine. Sat next to an mid-age dark skinned dude who possibly read every comic in the x-men universe imaginable. I don't if he was hitting on me or what. But he wouldn't shut up throughout the entire movie. I thought it was best just to ignore him. :puzzled:

Next :biggrin:

[Hanzo]

Rex... the question is, did it work?
;)

[Willow of Oz]

Please.
You people :cheeky: *rolls eyes*
Try straightening your hair, putting on some cologne, putting on some nail polish, going to a bar and then having a guy tell you that he's "open".
Pfft, people chatting about comic book characters to you indeed.:cheeky:

[Todd The Kiwi]

frangelico anyone? ;) :cheeky:

[Hanzo]

frangelico anyone? ;) :cheeky:

nah... vodka!

[BALTY]

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.

The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.

He looks at the TV and says, "She’s a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"

"Nope," replies the bartender, "It's Horse Country."

[BALTY]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old-man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened.
"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and not one of us could get thet darn jar open..."

[BALTY]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp,
between two missing teeth, "Ethcuth me, mithter, do you keep widdle
wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so
that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a
thoft and fwuffy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't
think my python weally gives a thit."

[BALTY]

A teenager came downstairs all dressed up for her date: bare midriff, short tight skirt, exposed cleavage... she thought she looked great.
"So, Mom? How do I look?" she asked.
Her mother replied, "Well, if I had gone out dressed like that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"



2. What'll It Be?

A seal sat down at the bar.
The bartender asked, "What'll it be?"
The seal said, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!

[BALTY]

Clever Flight Attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...." "Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you.

[squeege2]

What do you get ,when you drop the "Q", in QMP.

"MP", which must stand for...missing people.:confused: